Talking To myself

Hello. My name is D and I have Postpartum Depression. The first step is admitting to yourself that you have a mental health issue right? Well let’s start from the beginning.

 

I had my first daughter when I was 19 years old. I had no major complications, it was almost as if I was not pregnant. I didn’t get morning sickness or miss my period or anything that most women experience. I had hardly even gained any weight an didn’t show until my third trimester. I was and am still small framed which eventually lead to my hips not spreading and making room for my little girl to turn and settle into birthing position. Along with that, my belly stopped stretching….talk about painful. All of the last minute but minor issues were the cause of me having to have an emergency c-section. I was 5cm dilated with contractions 2 mins apart, bloody show and my water had broken a week prior. ( I was in active labor a whole 12 hours prior but my midwife failed to notice or check me properly after I told her I wasn’t sure about giving birth at the birthing center. Let’s be real: I was scared and was doing all of this ALONE!) Good thing I made that decision because it turned out that even though she told me my baby girl was in the head down position, she actually was NOT! She was breached. Again….emergency c-section. In the end, a healthy baby girl was born super bowl weekend at 5lbs 5oz. Now let’s fast forward 7 years later.

 

My fiance ( what he was at the time, now husband) and I discussed wanting to have a child after we had gotten married. We started to try months before our wedding date and had no luck up until 8 weeks before the wedding. I literally woke up with a baby bump. From 4 weeks and on I had the worst case of morning sickness. It was literally an all day thing and I could not eat anything. I was prescribed a number of different meds to help with the nauseating feeling. This continued until the end of my first trimester. During that time, I was not interested in sexual intercourse at all and hoped that I would feel better once the hard part had passed. I was wrong! The beginning of my second trimester came with pain….Sciatica, Pelvic Pain, swollen/hurt feet and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, etc. I slept with numerous pillows between my legs to help with the pain and discomfort. I soaked my feet once or twice a day to help with the swelling and sat down 90% of the time while in school. (Yes i went to school my entire pregnancy) Shortly after, I was diagnosed with Cholestasis. (I woke up in the middle of the night itchy all over from head to know and it just wouldn’t stop) A liver disease that can cause stillbirth if baby is carried beyond the 37 week full term mark. Since I was to have a scheduled c-section anyway, you would think that I would somewhat feel relieved to be able to give birth early because I was already in so much pain. Looking back on everything now...I believe that at that point is when I started to become depressed. My baby was going to be premature and I had no way of knowing if she would be okay outside of the womb until she got here. I was terrified.

 

Once diagnosed, I immediately started the meds I was prescribed to help keep the bile out of my placenta and scheduled for NST & monitoring twice a week to constantly check on the fluid and movement of baby. Baby was scheduled to be delivered exactly on the day of 37 weeks which was great because my classes would have ended 2 weeks prior and give me time to prep. I had my last wednesday NST and went home. Friday came and i was having light contractions but nothing that I thought was super serious. Laid down to sleep it off. Saturday was the last NST before baby girl was to be delivered the next day, however my doctor informed me that I wasn’t going home because 1) I was having frequent contractions 2) baby had not moved since I had been there which was over an hour. He also fussed at me for not coming in the night before! (Im stubborn) With that being said he had me prepped for surgery and my older daughter was rushed home to be with the sitter for the weekend while I gave birth to her sister. My husband had to be tended to because he was so light headed and was about to pass out being in the OR with me. But honestly, I think it was from the reality that he had become a dad. Baby girl was alive and doing well on her own. I immediately asked for skin to skin contact since this was something I knew nothing about at age 19 the first time around and because I was going to breastfeed this baby. It was horrible because my milk would take forever to come in and I needed a nurse to help me latch her each and every time. I was so frustrated and felt like I failed. ( second push further into depression) After leaving the hospital, I gave baby girl formula because I just could not figure out why I couldn’t feed my screaming baby. You could literally hear the milk fall into her starving belly. I went to see a lactation consultant who was able to get me a breast pump which I used to help get my milk flowing. FINALLY RELIEF! Now fast forward a bit….

 

I had gotten mastitis 4 times in 6 months! If you don’t know what that is: Its a infection in your breast. It feels like death im not even kidding. Like having the flu times 5. It’s awful. ( third and final push into depression) Turns out, I have an overproduction of milk. Baby would eat and I would pump and my breast wouldn’t be empty. I ended up having to pump, feed then pump again and store the milk. She never took a bottle so the milk ended up going to waste. (at the time i wasn’t aware that I could have been donating milk) Needless to say, I did not think that I would have made it one year breastfeeding. It’s been 21 months and she doesn’t seem to have any intentions of stopping yet.

 

I had been in denial about my feelings the entire time and felt that if I answered the questions that I needed to complete each time that I went to the doctor that they would take my children from me and say that I was an unfit mom. Once again I was scared. So many feelings that I kept feeling and didn’t understand why because I loved my kids SO much. In October-ish of last year 2017, I went to the doctor and filled out the questionnaire correctly and asked what the next steps were. I was prescribed 3 different meds to try out until we settled on what I am taking right now. I also see a behavioral therapist once a week and will start to see a psychologist soon as well. PPD has been a constant struggle for me this past year but now that I have taken the steps to care for my mental health, I feel like I can breathe again. I have to remember that this is not the end but it is the beginning, I hope that anyone reading this, that is struggling can find the courage to seek help.

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If you or anyone you know needs to talk to someone, please call one of the numbers below.

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Australia
Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

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