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Writer's pictureHayleigh

My baby will never...


Before having children it was so easy to sit in the café and point out everything that mother was doing that you would never ever do. Sound familiar? Yes, I’m guilty too. It’s much easier to cast a judgmental eye than it is to be in the situation – as I have very much learnt!

Desperation with a splash of exhaustion will have you doing anything it takes to cope with the sleepless baby, the screaming baby and even the sick baby, so don’t feel bad that your moment of weakness see’s you doing those things you swore you’d never do.

Let’s have a look at some of the classic examples that I and other mothers have changed our minds about.


Dummies/Pacifiers Those disgusting, unhygienic life savers! “My child won’t be needing anything like that, they will learn to self soothe” – Okay Susan. You can bet that after your fifty-millionth (that’s what it feels like) sleepless night, you’ll be shoving that cork in at 4am for the chance of 10 minutes of sleep. Then all of a sudden you’re sitting in the same café you were judging in, enjoying your white coffee with extra coffee and then little Jimmy starts to wake up. Just watch how fast you shove that dummy in there without a second thought. How’s your self-soothing now, Susan?


Co-Sleeping Ha… Hah… HAHAHAHA Another popular one that’s easier said than done is letting your baby sleep in your bed. This was the one I was so set on. No way would I have to fight for the blankets from my husband AND my baby. Yeahhhh… he’s right there in the middle of us every night now – but damn it’s good to sleep. Don’t worry, you usually make these decisions in the middle of the night when you’re at your weakest, you don’t know any better. For safe sleeping guidelines click here.


The Mum Bun Remember when you said you’d never leave the house looking homeless? Those days are gone now that you realise that leaving the house takes more tactical preparation than the army would need to invade a small country. Let’s not forget you have to pack everything except the kitchen sink – wait, what? Your baby drinks formula? …Yeah you better chuck the sink in your nappy bag too. Sometimes you can’t wash your hair for days or *cough* weeks, and as a mum you're sort of fine with that. If parenthood has done one thing, it’s lowered your personal appearance expectations. At this point the world should just be happy you’re covering your no-no bits and remembered to rub the vomit into your shirt before you left the house.


Screen Time Your children were going to be entertained by toys, daily craft activities and educationally stimulating books, right? I never thought I’d say this but thank f*ck for the Wiggles. They allow me to clean and eat and just have some time without my tiny spawn wanting something from me. No screen time, pfft. Do not even kid yourself right now.


Baby Spam You know how your friend had a baby and every time you logged onto social media there was a new photo in a new outfit or doing something that was meant to be exciting? Remember how you gave them the obligatory like or odd comment but honestly didn’t care less? That’s everyone else now about your posts. I’m a serial poster, but damn it why not? How am I supposed to take the cutest photo in the world and not share it will thousands of my closest friends? It would be a crime.


In all seriousness, every one parents differently and does what works for them. After all, if your baby is still fed and happy doesn’t that mean you have successfully survived a whole day of parenting?

Go you!


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